lifegoeson44

I have woken this morning feeling very cross with myself, i have been thinking ,do i love my husband, this is a little ironic as my last entry was ' All we need is Love', my emotion are all over the place, am i thinking this as a way of coping, i just dont know.
My husband and i went to watch England under 21s play Wales last night at Villa Park,, didnt really want to go, i do enjoy  watching football normally,  but lack of energy and enthusiasm for conversation with him is waining, never the less i went, as i know if i didnt he wouldn't go either. i suppose it gave us both something different to occupy our thoughts.
i have now found out that my son and his boyfriend have split up, oh my, i am so concerned about my sons emotional well being.

Carrying on from my last post which i had to cut short.

I have always encouraged both my children to be true to themselves and reach for the stars and however far they get thats fine, so long as they are happy.
with that comes the downs of life as well ,which i have suggested to them both that we have to experience some bad times in our lives  to  appreciate the really simple things in life, i personally believe  the key to happiness,is not money, (it does help) not material objects, (makes life more comfortable) but love for all  and a true respect for others what ever their walk of life is ,and carried with it. also i think when we have bad times we come out the other end stronger and more experienced in life and the events that come with it. ( I am trying to hold that thought).

I am so excited for my son, he is a young fashion designer studying in the south.UK. he helped design some clothing and accesories for a show at London Fashion Week, ON/OFF show. these articles have been spotted by some stylists for Dita Von Teese and Errin O'connor, my son has the biggest passion for fashion, he is always researching and putting pencil to paper for new designs, he is truly a talent that i hope will get the break he deserves.

I am so proud of my son, he has overcome so many difficulties in his life of 21yrs, diagnoised as seriously Dyslexic, at the end of his school years,actually on the last day of 6th form, after visiting a educational pshycologist, this man amazed me, he told me what my sons behaver was like when he was young and that know we are aware we should be able to get help. can you believe that teachers and tutors missed this, i had been into school on many ocassion but was told he was just slow, i am not a pushy mum so i didnt keep persuing, perhaps i should have.
My son has all sorts of accidents, three broken legs, LOL, he broke his one leg twice, each time it was not just a simple 6weeks in plaster, spiral break at the age of 2, he was out of plaster for the grand time of twelve weeks and he broke his other leg jumping of a slide, taken to hospital, X rayed, the staff said it wasnt broken, oh dear, we went home and i spend a whole week trying to convince him to walk , but he couldnt, back tothe hospital where they X rayed again and said yes it was broken, a nightmare, this time he was in a wheelchair for 3months, poor little boy, even then i knew he was different to my friends little boy, sensitive, well behaved, common sense at a young age.
 he has been in hospital for an infection in his blood which had an affect on his heart.
Broken collar bone twice, first time playing rugby then falling off a mountain bike, he was then operated on.
his third broken leg was the worst, and i was to witness this, he was playing football in the same team as his dad when someone went in for a takle and well, broke his leg,  to cut it short he was nine months before everything sort off went back to normal, he had a fixator through his leg, which was not a pretty sight, he was on morphine for the whole time which had terrible side affects, mood swings wasnt the word, how brave this young man was. i love him dearly.

He left school deciding to go to uni, but in the april we all had the shock of our lives as my mum died, aged 63yrs, mum went to hospital to have routine knee surgery,, i could tell about that incident but will leave that for another time.
My son was so close to his nan, it had a real affect on him.

My son inherited his nans car which he loved, only an old car but it was part of nan, unfortunately on the 13th Oct he had a bad car accident, which wrote the car off, he was so lucky, i think mum was watching over him.

He was going to be 18 at the end of that month, it was a miserable time, and now looking back it must have been awful for him, as my lovely son told me he was Gay, my reaction was that is fine, but we both knew what his dads reaction would be, my son has only just told his dad three years down the line, he had got to be strong enough to cope with his dads reaction, oh how glad my son waited that long as i am just about coping with his dads reaction now, let alone just after my mum died , she was such an inspiration to everyone, mum seemed to touch peoples lives , everyone loved her.

my son is going to be 21 at the end of the month, he is in his last year at uni.

I am at a loss today, to know what to do or wot to think, i am physically and emotionally drained,. my husband and i had another talk last nite about him not accepting our son who is gay, am i expecting to much off my husband, as i know this is really difficult for him.
My son is finding this situation very hard and has bouts of depression.   my daughter last night said i was trying to hard to make everything right and to back off,

I am screaming out in my head, feel as though i am going mad, my husband has no emotions at all, he will not and does not accept his son, because of his sexuality, my god this is a living nightmare, i have tried for 9months to keep the family together, i am running out of steam, i am tired all the time, fuzzy head nothing would make me happy other than my family being at peace, i have had every conceivable conversation with my husband to try and get the issue of our son being gay into some proportion, but to avail. i know we cant change people or their views but we can inform and educate them, i suppose its if they want to listen, my husband does not, he has just announced that he his paying a deposit to go to Belgium in April, which is fine i have always encouraged him do activities out side our marrige, but he never would, now we are on unstable ground he has decided to pursue something different, i am sure he has done this because i have booked the 21st birthday trip for our son, he did go absolutely mad when i booked the trip.
For the last 9months i have supported my husband even though i dont share his views, i have told him i love him on many occasion, what have i got in return, nothing other than negative remarks, i think are time is running out, so i am dealing with that thought as well, what will this do to our son will he blame himself? our daughter who is 16 and is going through the normal teenage tatrums, would be distraught, she has had many a conversation with me about parents divorcing, all of her friends parents are divorced, it would be her worst nightmare. i am ill again had something to eat and oh dear, its stress.

i always have looked at life in a positive way but it getting really had to, i feel as though i going down the plug hole.

I feel unwell again today, body aches, brain is all fuzzy, i guess this is stress, got to kick my self up the bottom. i received a book off the internet yesterday, Straight Parents with Gay Children, this is the second book, the first one is My Child is Gay, i have read the first one, its letters off parents saying how they felt when their child told them that they were Gay, i buy these books to leave  around the house in hope that husband will pick one up and educate him self, because as i know you cannot force someone to have a different view on issues as sensitve as sexuality, well its sensitive to the husband, my view is its all about love,

I am begining to wonder whether i actually like the man (husband) i have spent the past 25years with, or more to the point do i actually know this person, i am finding it increasingly difficult to understand how the husband can put all his family through this torment, his words are cutting, hurtful, i know this is his hurt coming out, but this is not about just him, i think he is being really selfish, which i cannot to relate to at all, i am a great believer in that if you are kind and a giving person you get alot more out of life and the rewards are great.

I have to reflect, find a way forward, i must keep my family together, i love them all deeply.

We all arrived at the party, my sons boyfriend feeling a little nervous, which i can understand, meeting all of my sons old school mates, bit of a big thing, i reassured him that it would be fine,  and it was , my son introduced his partner as the boyfriend, i was a little taken back, but thought, how proud i was of my son, this is who he loves and is proud of it. we watched the drag artists that were the entertainment, i was a little surprised that the dad of the twins had requested them, but hey it was funny, my mouth was wide open with shock at times with what they were coming out with. my son caught up with all his ex school mates, while the boyfriend, daughter and myself danced and sang the night away, it was fantastic.

There was a group of young girls about 21ish all very glam and beautiful, they were huddled together talking and looking over at my son, i am guessing that they were having the conversation, 'He's gay you know and that must be his boyfriend' my son is a very good looking guy, and does not look gay, i know some people sterotypes, so you will know what i mean. Fantastic night, Proud Mother of a Gay Son.

The weekend has flown by, my son and his partner arrived on friday night, i was at the hotel waiting for them, having a drink at the bar, it was quite funny, as i had no problem walking in to the cafe bar ordering a drink, perched on a bar stool, until i had been there for about 20mins patiently waiting, i was suddenly aware that the men in the bar were taking a great intrest in me, oh my goodness, they were stairing at me, did they think i was a proffesional lady, in more ways than one. LOL. a phone call to my son was needed, hurry up please.

The lads came into the bar, i might add finding it hilarious that i could have earned some money while waiting for them, good job i have a sense of humour. I love seeing my son, he is a great lad, i do tell him so.
His partner is just getting used to his boyfriends mad mum, who thinks shes still 21 her self.

We decided to go for a meal, as i said before my husband had said that my son could come home but not his friend, this was a weekend of eating out and shopping, im skint now, never mind i would pay out anything to see my son. the meal was a carvery, and lovely.

Early night as the lads were tired, it had taken them 4hrs to get home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Mother inlaw and Father inlaw have been fantastic, they are both in their late 80,s and have accepted my son for who he is and even met the boyfriend, mind you, my son and myself have not introduced the partner as such, just introduced by name, i think thats enough.


The twins party that the lads had come up for was on Sat night, my son his partner and my daughter and myself all attended this celebration, the husband went out to a local bar.

Last night i told husband that our (my) son would be coming back this weekend as it is his friends 21st birhday celebration party (they are twins), i had known about the party for a few weeks, the arrangements were for son and his friend to stop at the twins house for the weekend, as stopping at the family home was really not an option, to me this is awful, son coming home but cant stay in family home, his dad said son could come home but not his gay friend (partner) , i feel absolutely awful and torn as i can see how hard this is for husband that his son is gay, let alone bringing home gay friend(partner), huaband has not been told that son has a partner, i think he guesses as much, sometimes things are best left up ones sleve, at times i wish this whole issue had been shoved right up a sleve and left there, as far as his dad is concerned, i am totally fine with who my son is, true, caring, sensitive, creative, unique,GAY.
The arrangements had gone to pot, phone call off son to say that the twins have a full house and the lads cant stop there, oh how i felt for my son, my son felt anger  at the twins for not being truthful, and hurt as he has been friends with them from the age of 5. i have now booked them into a local hotel, who i just happen to know the manager, who has given me a good deal, bless him, he does not realise how much that has ment to me, i mentioned to husband that the lads will be popping round while he is at work, oh dear it all blew up again, he has told me in no uncertain terms is son and friend allowed in the house, son can come home but not the friend, i can see where husband is coming from but i feel torn, once again, life goes on.

I woke at 6am with the smoke alarm beeping, the battery had gone. i could have done with sleeping in this morning, never mind.

I went to my monthly meeting with FFLAG (friends, family,lesbians and gay) , i missed last months. i came out of the meeting feeling a little more positive, as we all talk about are different problems of dealing with having a gay son or daughter, surprisingly a couple of the mums and dads have more than one child that are gay, i go to the meeting on my own as husband wont accept our son is gay so as far as he is concerned he does not need to go to the support group. oh well.

I met a couple for the first time last night that have a gay son , who is the same age as our son, and came out at approx the same time, three years ago, the lady feels the same as my husband, disgusted, horrified, humiliated, gutted,does'nt want anything to do with her son. it was strange meeting a woman who has the same views as my husband , its like the lady and husband have a mental block, they cannot see that their children are exactly the same people as before coming out, is it their hang up about sex and sexuality? or can they only see the sexuality? i am sure i am going to look back at this time in my life and feel that i got a lot from the issues that we have had to face.

 

The on going turmoil of our (my) son being gay continues, i have tried for 9months to keep my family unit in tact , but it is getting harder day by day, Husband last nite decided to tell me he had made up his mind that he was leaving as soon as the finacial climate picks up,O'h my god, what a nerve, i was distraught, my reply was why wait, husband has enough money to leave and sart again, i felt that the past 25years together had just slipped down the drain, all because husband cannot and will not  look at his son as a person but only  focuses on his sexuality, i feel for husband and just wish he could look at this issue from a different angle. i think i can look at the position he is in, but perhaps i can't,  to me love for ones family is the most important  and helps you over come all sorts of prediciments in family life.

Looking back at husbands family,  so so different from mine,  i grew up in a loving family, husband grew up in a family that had love but did not know how to show it, no hugs, no kisses, no confirment of love.    

coffee time now.

my sons 21st birthday is approaching, and this has caused more problems, mind you its only a problem if a person {husband} makes it one, conversation and emotionally charged talking about what i would dearly love to do for this special celebration, i know our (my) son would love to visit New York, so a chat was had which ended with me in tears,again, as husband was not in agreement, so i thought as i am in the middle of all this emotional turbulance there needs to be a compromise, i know our (my) son would also like to visit Rome, but again i hit a brick wall, with the husband, its all getting to much, i have overstepped the mark apparently, and the husband can not stand the sight of me, even though i am still cooking him a meal every night and doing all the dutiful things a wife and mum does, but i have booked the birthday treat to New York, on my credit card, husband hates credit cards,  i do agree with him on this, credit cards are dangerous especially in my hands, but after having talk after talk and he was having none of it, i decided as a mum of a absoultely great lad who has had a real tough five years with one thing and another, i thought just go for it, life is no dress rehearsal, the husband is not poor at all, and has never liked me the wife to work, so money is short for me, i am not saying here poor me,

just done the shopping list as husband likes going, probably because he spends less than me, i hate food shopping so this suits me fine, i did the weekly list and on it i wrote Happiness, this was inbetween tuna and sweetcorn sandwich filler and gammons, oh dear, as he checked the list as his does every week, so annoying, he said HAPPINESS , happiness, is this ment to be funny, you wont be finding any happiness, i can understand that he is angry with what i have done but i felt pushed into a corner, i am so drained, tired and just generally dismaid how one human being can treat others in this way, this husband must be being eaten up inside, anyone who behaves in this way can not feel good about them selves.

2005  April my mum died after having a knee replacement op, aged 63, a true angel of this world, good,honest ,dependable, loving, the list could go on and on.                                                             Worst day of my life
2005 October my son had a car accident which luckily he escaped with whiplash, car was written off.
                                                                                                 I was distraught
2005 October my son, after the accident and just before his 18th birthday he told me he was gay, oh, that lovely lad lay on the sofa with a pillow over his face and then told me, i was pleased he could tell me, but we both knew telling his dad was going to be difficult, if not impossible, 
                                                                                                I was fine about him being gay, but knew the reaction from his dad, i was worried.

2006 September my son departed home to start uni 200miles away from home, i was pleased that he was doin what he wanted and seemed happy,  reach for the stars however far you get is far enough, was my moto to him.

2008 Febuary My son text me from the 200 miles away to say it was time his dad knew that he was gay, and for me to pass the phone over and show his dad, i did check first that he wasnt on a drunken student nite out and he was ready for the reaction.

2008 17th Febuary Life changed, cant work out for the better or worse just yet(i'm a positve person), my husband reacted not as i had expected, he was silent, he was white as a sheet.  he has always been homophobic. the anger was to follow i might add the tears as well, this mans man crying was terrible see. the anger set in with vengance, disowning his son, cutting him out of will,